Singular third person: how Matthew Hayden became a perfect PRAT

For a short while now, something has been missing. Life has lacked some vital ingredient. Fortunately, I've identified what it is.

It's Matthew Hayden referring to Matthew Hayden as Matthew Hayden.

Since the Queenslander retired from cricket earlier this month, a vacuum has appeared in Australian sport. Suddenly no elite Aussie sportsperson remains who consistently refers to themselves in the third person.

"People still remember how the young Hayden would poke grimly round his front pad," Hayden once said of himself, seemingly living his whole life as an out-of-body experience. "Matthew Hayden was created in India in 2001," he said more recently, meaning Matthew Hayden turns eight some time this year.

To be fair, Hayden isn't alone. Indeed, the cricket world is full of People Referring Autobiographically in the Third Person, or PRATPs. (As an acronym, it's a mouthful. Let's lose the second "P".)

The ex-Aussie captain Mark Taylor was a renowned PRAT. "Mark Taylor was one of our best batsmen last summer," Taylor famously said. "If this season is Mark Taylor's turn to miss out, so be it." Presumably he was so detached from himself that he wouldn't have minded one way or the other.

"Michael Clarke will be fine," said Michael Clarke, shortly after he was dropped from the Test team.

On another occasion, he said: "I'll always be Michael Clarke and I hope that I can be successful being me."

Such versatility: third person and first person in the same sentence!Cricket's PRATs aren't just Aussies. "The best thing [for England] is to get Michael Vaughan fit and playing well," said ex-captain Michael Vaughan, showing that he is equally adept with immodesty and willow.

"Sreesanth's way is to be aggressive," said the Indian bowler. "Sreesanth will always remain Sreesanth."

Very Zen. The sound of one hand clapping itself, you might say.

It makes you wonder. Perhaps Hayden et al have been making some sort of philosophical statement. Perhaps in their peculiar grammar they are eschewing egocentrism and solipsism, promoting instead a profound, noble egalitarianism.

By using the third person, perhaps they are saying that, sure, they may be highly-paid and indulged, but on an intrinsic level they're just like everyone else.

Or maybe they are revealing something even deeper. Maybe their manner of speaking is a subtle indicator that they ascribe to the Buddhist precept of anatta, which holds that there is no such thing as permanent self.

Or maybe they're all tools and tosspots. That's what Mike Atherton thinks.

"When cricketers refer to themselves in the third person, my antennae twitch," says the ex-England captain.

"It suggests a certain self-regard - talking about themselves almost as if they were describing a person they admire from a distance."

At this point, I must admit that my daughter used to refer to herself in the third person. She grew out of the habit a year ago, when she was two. So perhaps it isn't just a sign of arrogance. Maybe it's also a sign of immaturity.

Apart from cricket and the creche, the trait can be found in rugby league. "The Benji I know plays with confidence," Benji Marshall said last year.

Taking it all further, his fellow leaguie Greg Inglis refers to himself with only initials. "People say that when big stages come, G.I. comes out, G.I. comes out to play," he said.

Predictably, boxing is full of it. "I hate that Jeff Fenech," said the Marrickville Mauler last year, referring to the Marrickville Mauler of yesteryear. "I love what he represented … But I don't like him."

Even basketballers dabble.

"This is a such great day in the life of Andrew Bogut, the family of Andrew Bogut," said Andrew Bogut.

By contrast, the British cyclist Chris Hoy is an island of sanity. "In the past 24 hours everyone has been offering an opinion on Chris Hoy," remarked a journalist after Hoy won gold at the Beijing Olympics. "But what does Chris Hoy think of Chris Hoy?"

To which the cyclist responded: "Chris Hoy thinks that the day Chris Hoy refers to Chris Hoy in the third person is the day that Chris Hoy disappears up his own arse."

So, what are we to do? Inspired by Hoy, should we take steps to eradicate PRATs?

In many sports, digital technology is being harnessed to allow decisions to be more closely scrutinised. Video refs and third umpires pore over replays to make determinations - but are third umpires enough? Perhaps it's time for third person umpires.

That would be one approach. It would, however, be the wrong approach. Because it's time for us Aussie sports fans to admit how much we love to laugh at the linguistic oddities of sportspeak.

It's time to 'fess up to our love of garbled grammar and strangled syntax - which is not just funny, but far preferable to all the bland PR-isms that are becoming increasingly common. In particular, it's time to acknowledge how much we loved to hear Matthew Hayden talking up Matthew Hayden.

Sure, these competitors with a penchant for the third person may be arrogant, immature and unhinged, but since when have we wanted sports stars who are sane?

There's something more. My guess is that in the final months of his long, celebrated career, Hayden began referring to himself in the third person less often.

I would suggest that when Haydos became sane, his batting suffered. More research is required, but I'm convinced that PRATs are better at sport.

It is here that our sports development programs are failing us. It's all very well for coaches and trainers to focus on talent, technique and mental fortitude, but where is the emphasis on grammar? On the turns of phrase that precipitate sporting glory?

We don't just need an Australian Institute of Sport. We need an Australian Institute of Pronouns for Sporting Greatness.

Only then can there be hope of finding a promising youngster in the mould of Matthew Hayden, a gifted upstart equally adept at winning matches and mangling interviews.